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Do We Really Need to Be in a Relationship?

Desbahís father was emotionally and physically abusive and as I looked into her body and mind I could see and feel the split in her consciousness. Desbah is highly functional in many respects, but parts of her had completely numbed out or disconnected. Other parts appeared to be very fragmented and traumatized. Desbah would go for long periods of time without a man in her life, but every now and then she would find herself getting involved with someone who was abusive in one way or another. Desbah had recently come out of an abusive relationship. There were moments when she was elated to be free of the man who had tormented her, but at other times she felt consumed by the fear, pain and anguish.

Desbah works as a therapist and at one point said to me, "I work all day helping other people resolve their issues and heal the hurts, but I canít seem to make any progress in this part of my own life." Later on in the conversation, she looked at me and said "I donít really need a man. Iím happy being on my own. Iím fine now. Do we really need to be in a relationship anyway?"

Those of us who have been hurt or traumatized have a tendency to attract partners who re-enact the painful suffering and abuses of our past. Many of us begin to think "relationships donít work for me" or we assume we have bad relationship karma. We give up on the hope of ever having a loving and fulfilling relationship and build walls around ourselves.

We wall ourselves off in an attempt to protect ourselves from being hurt, but the pain and trauma remain trapped within our bodies indefinitely. These walls also preclude the possibility that we could ever attract a healthy and loving partner or be loved by another person.

In many instances I can see a deficiency as I look into the auras of people who are not partnered with another person, but that obviously is not the case with everyone. I worked with a woman in Albuquerque, New Mexico who was a devotee of one of the Indian gurus. She had never married and didnít seem to have a need for a companion. She felt perfectly content to follow her spiritual path. One of my best friends in Sri Lanka is a Buddhist Monk and he also appears to be well nourished by his spiritual practice.

Being in an unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship is, in many ways, worse than being alone. Abusive partners do more damage. They add to our existing emotional wounds by tearing us down further. I can see the damage very clearly as I look into peopleís bodies and minds. Many of us are afraid to be alone, but it is in our best interest to get out of an unhealthy relationship.

For a long time I attracted women who re-enacted the pain and trauma of my own childhood and adolescence. Walling off was not an option for me because the pain of not having anyone in my life was so excruciatingly unbearable. Working with all the intense healing practices helped to heal and integrate the wounded parts of myself which made it possible for me to attract healthier companions.

Plants depend on water, sunlight and the nutrients provided by the soil in order to thrive. Couples who are in healthy and fulfilling relationships often have a beautiful glow around them and I can see how they support and nourish each other.

We receive nourishment from the loving, caring and supportive people in our lives. A healthy, loving and supportive partner helps to ground us into our bodies. They make it possible for us to live more fulfilling lives and experience more enjoyment in this physical world. Their love helps to heal the hurts and their friendship helps us to feel that we have someone on our side. Their encouragement helps us to believe in ourselves and gives us the strength to keep going when times are tough. Being nourished in these ways helps us to thrive.

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